


yearning

by conlons



Category: Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Angst, Canon Era, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Religious Discussion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:47:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25256398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/conlons/pseuds/conlons
Summary: Racetrack Higgins fell in love with Albert DaSilva in April of 1898.
Relationships: Albert DaSilva/Racetrack Higgins
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1897

June 20, 1897

Red, 

Hi. 

I think you’re the prettiest boy I’ve ever seen. No, that’s an understatement, the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen. I’m no writer, I can’t write something poetic or eloquent but I just thought I should tell you how I feel. 

You say your name is Albert DaSilva. Most kids around here never give their real names out of fear but you don’t seem to care, I wonder if it’s real or not. It’s a nice name though, DaSilva, you must be Portuguese. 

Mush isn’t mad about you beating him up. Mush doesn’t really care about that kind of stuff, he’s too kind for his own good. He’s taken a liking to you though, even offered to help you sell tomorrow after you fell asleep. 

I should probably go to sleep as well, don’t want Jack biting my head off for keeping everyone up with my writing. 

Your pal, 

Racer 

November 16, 1897

Al, 

Shit, I don’t even know what to say. Fuck your dad first and foremost. 

I’m at a loss. Mama and Papa weren’t anything like your father, Papa is involved with some messy business, Mama died from pneumonia. He had me leave home after she died; he claimed life at home was too dangerous.

But that’s not important. What’s important is that you’re here now, he can’t hurt you anymore. We won’t let him. The boys and I will protect you, we look out for our own. 

I got you. 

Toni

January 24, 1898

Albie,

This is so stupid. 

You mean a lot to me. 

I just know whenever I’m around you my stomach is in knots and it feels like there’s a force squeezing my heart. My skin feels electric whenever you grab my hand and sometimes I feel dizzy. 

I’ve finally admitted to myself what I knew all along, but was too afraid to admit: I like you. A lot. And I want to be with you. I want to hold you and kiss you and take you out. Fuck, I wish you were mine. 

I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Sure I’ve had crushes: There was Specs when I was nine, a girl named Marley when I was 12, and then there’s you. I thought it was just the excitement of finally having someone to call my best friend but it was like I could never get you out of my head. The way the corners of your eyes crinkle when you smile, your freckles, your voice. 

I’m pretty hung up on you. 

I won’t do anything about it. I’m going to let it be. I’m going to keep you in my dreams and not have reality ruin what we have. I can't lose you because I can’t keep my feelings in check. 

Your friend, 

Toni  
  


April 19, 1898

Albert, 

I’m in love with you. 

I’m stupidly, hopelessly, disgustingly in love with you. 

I’ve never felt like this before, it’s so strong that sometimes youI feel like I’m going to die. Then again, I’ve always been one for dramatics.

I don’t even know if you like boys. 

That’s fine though, I can love you from afar. You being in my life is more than enough. 

Love, 

Antonio 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the way people spoke in the 19th century is too much so enjoy my modern version <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1899

December 31, 1898 

Albert, 

I can't believe I’m finally doing it; tonight’s the night I’m going to tell you how I feel. Hopefully, I’ll get a New Years’ kiss while I’m at it. Honestly, if I didn’t feel like my heart was going to explode every time I saw you I probably wouldn’t say anything. 

But last week I saw you with that boy down by the docks and I just– I can’t keep it in anymore. I’ve never felt so jealous in my life. Then I saw you with him and his hands were on your waist and everything was wrong. It was wrong. Not you two, boys being with boys isn’t wrong, he just…he wasn’t me. 

So fuck it. I’m telling you tonight and if you don’t feel the same that’s fine, I’ll be fine. But I have to tell you. 

You’re friend, for now, 

Toni

January 2, 1899

Albert, 

You’re mine. Even if it took getting clocked in the jaw and called a liar, you’re still mine. And I’m yours. We’re each others. This is crazy. You actually like me. Scratch that, you said you love me. 

When you kissed me at midnight I thought I was going to pass out. I didn’t see stars or anything but I felt it, my heart was beating so fast I thought it was going to jump out of my chest. 

The second time–in the hallway–was even better. It felt comfortable, not overly emotional, or anything just, comfortable. Almost like it was second nature you know?

We just fit. 

Spot and Elmer saw us, I think they did at least. 

Elmer wouldn’t say anything because he already knows, I used to rant to him about you all the time. As for Spot, well I’ve caught him with his fair share of...let’s just say acquaintances. 

(Pretty sure he and Elmer are sweet on each other too.) 

I haven't been this happy in years. Thank you. 

Love,

Antonio 

(P.S. You’re a really good kisser.) 

  
  
  


March 12, 1899 

Al,

Don’t you think the city is beautiful at night? All the stars come out of hiding and everything’s quiet and if you listen close enough, you can hear the waves from the East River. Sometimes you can hear drunken sailors singing or some girl giggling with her lover. 

One day we should go stargazing, Mama taught me all about the stars when I was a child. I think you would like it. I could teach you about your star sign and the constellations. 

Your freckles remind me of constellations. 

God, that was disgusting, what has gotten into me recently? 

Yeah, I’ll take you stargazing sometime. Maybe when you’re feeling better, Jack said you took a nasty fall earlier. You were asleep by the time I got home, you look cute when you sleep. 

That was weird wasn’t it? 

Alright, goodnight Al, 

Your guy,

Ant 

October 28, 1899

Albert,

We fought again. You haven’t spoken to me in four days. 

Jack thinks we’re incompatible. Sometimes I think he’s right. Fuck, that sounds terrible, doesn’t it? 

I don’t get you. 

One day you’re like this ray of sunshine, bright and joyful and so you, then it’s like you never want to see me again. You push everyone away, you barely sell enough to survive, you’re angry, tired, but most of all you’re sad. Sometimes I worry– it’s best that I keep that thought to myself. It hurts to see you so sad. 

Davey said it’s what the doctors call “Melancholia _”_ or “Depression”. He says you can’t help it, that your brain is screwed up. He said you need psychiatric help, whatever that is. 

We do everything we can to help but you push us all away. This fight is all because I had to force you to eat yesterday. You got mad because I told you to eat. All our fights are because you refuse to accept my help, Jack's help, anyone’s help. Albert you have to understand, I can't just sit here and watch you waste away and not do a damn thing. To the boys you’re obviously not their partner or anything but, you’re their brother and they love and care about you more than you will ever understand. 

This is going to sound so stupid but I’m scared you’re going to break up with me. That maybe Finch Cortes has finally won you over and I’ll be left in the dust.

I sound really jealous right now, don't I? I’m scared of Finch Cortes. 

Everything between us has been so strained ever since the strike. I’m confused. You’re my first boyfriend and I don’t want to screw this up.

I wish we lived in a time where we could be together in public, where I could hold your hand and kiss you on the street and not in some dirty alleyway or in the lodge when everyone’s asleep. I want to tell the world that you’re mine but it’s not possible. Not in our time at least. 

I have to go, I’m starting to ramble and there’s not much more to say. 

If you’re breaking up with me, tell me soon. 

Forever yours, 

Antonio 

November 4, 1899 

Albert, 

You took me to the park last night and apologized, you said you would try and get better. I told you that it was okay, that it wasn’t your fault. You don’t believe me. 

I can’t understand it, but I know you don’t act like this on purpose. We can tell you’re hurting, plus other boys around here get like that too. 

But I forgive you. I’ll always forgive you Al, you always forgive me when I blow money at the races or get in a fight, you even forgave me when I forgot about our date. I have no reason to hold this over you. 

I’ll always be here, that’s a promise. 

Love, 

Antonio 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry abt that


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1900

October 12, 1900 

Albert, 

God, I already know you would tease me if you ever found this but I have to let it all out or I might just explode. 

I didn’t think I would fall for you, you were so different from the rest and I had never felt what it was like to be truly infatuated with someone. When I first laid eyes on you your hair was akin to fire and gold. Your freckled skin reminded me of galaxies, clusters of stars on a canvas of skin. You looked so beautiful, and you were clobbering the shit out of Mush. 

You claimed it was because he stole your bookbag but we all saw the faded bruises, he had cornered you and you lashed out. Nobody blamed you. At least I didn’t. Mush can get like that sometimes, you know, all in your business. 

I thought you were so tough. There you were, barely 5 foot taking on Mush Meyers, one of the biggest brawlers in Lower Manhattan. But then we pulled you off and you looked so scared. 

I remember the night you told me about your dad. There was a storm, you were shaking. Jack tried to calm you down but you just flipped on him and ran out into the rain. Everyone was worried but we understood, everyone has their own issues and storms were yours. I went out to check on you, I said it was because Jack was scared you were going to get sick but in reality it was me, I was worried about you. 

We were stuck like glue after that. That doesn’t make much sense, you hate being touched. I hope you understand what I’m trying to say. I remember the day you gave me that children’s book, “ _Oliver Twist”_. You claimed you saved up for it but I know you used the last of the money you took from your dad. 

Do you remember when I came home late from poker night and you and I bumped into each other on the bridge? You were so worried that you came all the way to Brooklyn to find me. You were yelling at me about “missed curfews” and everything just clicked. I think that was the day I realized I loved you. No, that’s bullshit, I always knew.

Fuck. I’m sorry this isn’t as eloquent as I would like it to be but I just can’t believe your mine. I feel like such a fool, can you believe I was so jealous of Finch that I almost fought him over you. 

Yeah, I know, Crutchie’s Finch. Don’t laugh you twat. 

God, and when I told you how I felt you slapped me in the face which, I’ll admit, was shocking, to say the least. My body was on fire and my mind was all scrambled and confused. I just couldn’t get the words out right and you were confused and scared and I felt awful but, it all worked out, didn’t it? 

I realized as I kissed every freckle on your skin that I will never know someone quite like you. You are one in a million. I know you hate when I write like this, you claim it’s “cheesy” but I can’t help it. Albert, I feel complete with you, as if we could spend our whole lives together and I would never want to be anywhere else. Can’t we just run away? Would that be so bad? We could run off to the countryside or to Europe, wouldn’t that be nice. A small home, far away from the city and The World and Snyder. 

I have a ring. It’s not much, a silver band my mother gave me before she passed. I want to give it to you one day, if not as a proposal then as a promise. A promise that no matter what, we will always have each other. Even if I’m never able to hold you this way again, you are my second half. Something I didn’t know I was missing until you were right in front of me. 

I can’t lose you. Not again. 

Please, live. For me. 

Your lover, 

Antonio. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1902

February 2, 1904

  
My love,

I don’t know why I’m writing this. You’re gone. 

I suppose this should bring me some closure. 

The day you died I had gone out to get some medicine for the other boys, I came home and it was silent, eerily so. Everyone was crying. I didn’t cry, I handed Jack the medicine and left. Dave claimed they found me in Central Park; I barely remember that day. 

I broke my promise. You asked me to be there when you woke up and I wasn’t, I was at some shitty hospital getting meds. They said you asked for me, that you cried. 

Did you know that was going to be your last day? Is that why you asked me to stay? 

I didn’t cry for days. Not the next day, not at your funeral, not even within the month. It wasn’t until December that I finally broke. I was getting papers and some kid asked why you weren’t around anymore and that was it, I started crying right there in the circulation yard. 

I didn’t sell for a week. 

Everything feels strange now that you’re gone. I’m scared. You said you would always be here but I don’t know where you are, I can’t find you.

I’m no saint, never was. I probably won’t make it to heaven even if I tried. 

God is merciful though. You were just a boy. I prayed for you every night, I prayed you would make it. I refuse to believe that what we had–what others like us have–is a sin. Love isn’t something that should be shameful. You taught me that.

This hurts, it hurts so much. It’s like God took all the good people from me and left me here to suffer all alone. I’m in way over my head. My father has me involved with the fucking mafia, I’ve got a kid to raise, and I can’t get over you. 

I know I promised I would move on but it's so hard, you were the first person I’ve ever truly loved. The only one. How can I possibly get over you? 

You were always so bold, so open. At first, it was like you never cared for anyone, never sparing people as much as a glance, then the next thing I know you’re pulling me into dark alleyways and sneaking kisses at the circulation gate. 

Maybe this was meant to happen. Maybe the universe put us together and pulled us apart for a reason. There was a time where we needed each other, when we were both alone and confused. We grew together, even if it was only a few years, the person I am today is because of you. 

I just wish we had more time. 

Happy birthday Al, I’ll see you soon. 

Forever your guy,

Antonio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. that happened. 
> 
> dedicated to asteraea ilysm


End file.
